With all the self help quacks polluting our bookshelves, I often wonder why the Conservatives have villainized Dr Spock.
Is it because they enjoy beating spoilt little rich children? Because they hate the smell of unbathed hippies? Because the book is too long and uses words too big for them to understand? (Self Esteem, by the way, is not a communist separatist island in Indonesia).
No, it is because of his pointy ears!
Tragedy struck for toy shops three years ago, when members of the Armed Elf Revolutionary Front (AERF) stormed North Pole sweatshops and freed thirteen overworked pointy eared proletariat.
Santa's right hand reindeer Rudolf was badly injured in the battle, and he's been unable to fly since.
But Santa got very angry when the AERF struck a toy shop in Aberystwyth last year, this time mortally wounding his longtime mistress, the Snow Queen.
Santa gave this statement:
The gentile Snow Queen was studying International Politics in Aberystwyth, in hope of reconquering Narnia by peaceful means. Her education was almost complete when terrorists tragically took her young 3000 year old life.
What most people don't know, is that immediately after that, as retaliation the reindeer doubled the workload of the elves and discontinued paid summer holidays to Jamaica.
The perpetrators have been caught, but the reindeer don't seem to care. Notes one disgruntled worker. We now have no choice, work overtime or be accused of conspiring with the terrorists and get fired. Three thousand have been sent to banishment in Antarctica so far. It's just not fair.
That's right, three thousand workers who stood up for their rights have been banished from the North Pole, cutting ices cubes until the reindeer change their mind.
Santa is sulking out this year, Mrs Claus is still beating him over the head with a frozen cod after discovering the relationship with the Snow Queen. Rudolf plans to ride the sleigh this year. And if he's allowed to do that he will make sure than no socialist boys and girls or Elf sympathizers will get any presents!
This is tragedy! Rudolf must be stopped! Santa may not have paid the best wages in the world, but at least he allowed the elves paid holidays.
Join with me now, in writing a letter of the following format to Mrs. Claus.
Dear Mrs Claus,
Christmas is about to be ruined, and you're the only person who can save it. Rudolf's anti depressant pills seem to have had terrible side effects, and he should NOT be allowed to ride in the sleigh.
We know you are hell bent on vengeance after your personal problems, but thousands and millions of little girls and boys are counting on you to save Christmas this year.
And don't forget their mothers.
Yours Truly,
Karl Marx
Throughout the world, pointy eared men are being discriminated against. This will go on as long as we let it.
Remember, that the AELF is only a small minority of the Elf community, and they have all been captured anyway.
Unite with your Elf brothers and sisters! Demand social justice for toymakers everywhere!
Boycott Rudolf dolls, Rudolf films, and all Rudolf merchandise. Make certain that your local shop doesn't sell Rudolf by sending letters and linking to my blog.
And most of all, stop singing that Rudolf song!
Rudolf the brown furred fascist
had a very shady past
So if you ever meet him
Greet him with a muskett blast
Venison is very sweet
at this time of year
Ho ho ho
Won't you grace my plate tonight
All of my guests will love you
and they'll shout on their weblogs
Hot Dog!
You'll go down with my egg nog.